James Green-Armytage

Philosophical essay from January of 1999^[1]

1. Let me begin with the idea of selflessness. This is the idea that, ultimately speaking, there is nothing which is a completely separate, individual, and abiding self / object / form / body / thing. This is also the idea of interdependence, the idea of transience, impermanence, ephemerality, becoming, flux, emptiness, unsolidity, continuity. Lots of different words to express the same idea.

By interdependence I mean that nothing exists alone or independently but is rather dependent on the existence of everything else; they do not exist separately.

I notice the truth of transience when I try to observe my own mind. When I do this, it seems insubstantial, composed of flux or motion rather than solid, static forms.

Since the separations I make between different objects are dependent on my mind, these separations in themselves must be transient as my mind is transient.

The mental activities which comprise human experience are dependent on time. (As perhaps a linear experience of time is dependant on mind.) No human experience can exist in a solid and independent instant, in and of itself. Rather, experience requires some change between one state and another. So, things are not only in motion; they are motion. They are not only changing, they are nothing other than change.

So we have the great paradox that all forms are both/neither existent and/nor nonexistent. Ideas of form and emptiness can both be deceptive. Indeed, the more I focus on the emptiness of forms, the more I begin to see all forms, bodies, aspects, patterns, laws, relations, thoughts, experiences reemerge from emptiness in their pure sublime nature, to re-realize them in a way that is not attached to or dependent on anything in particular, but is observant of all, and doesn’t take things for granted.

2. An important application of the idea of selflessness is to the self of a human being.

When I search my mind for a central, definitive I or self, I can't find it. That is, I can't find a single 'master' of my body and mind, or a satisfactory definition of the boundary between myself and the outside world. I find that there is discontinuity where I had assumed continuity, and vice versa.

As it is, just a single person's mind and body are in fact incredibly vast. (Considering the small space that they occupy, but then perhaps it is not so small a space after all.) When I pay attention to it, it seems that by far the great and overwhelming majority of occurrences within my body and mind take place without my knowledge or awareness. This includes so much of what one generally considers to be 'conscious' thought processes that it is very surprising. If I see this, can I really say that I am doing these things, or that they are really 'mine?'

For example, thinking: Do you try to think, in the sense of making a conscious decision to do so or not? If you don't, then who is actually thinking? Who initiates each thought?

So it seems that the I or self is within and dependent on the mind rather than the other way around. It is a phenomenon or function rather than a body; a verb rather than a noun. Thus ‘self-consciousness’ is a logical impossibility, since the process of being conscious of the self would have to include being conscious of being conscious of the self, and so on, such that consciousness is always a step behind the self no matter what.

The mind and body are not two separate things but rather a continuum. In between there is no definitive separation, i.e. between body and ‘unconscious’. There is no definitive separation between the body and the rest of the universe. And there is no definitive separation between unconscious and conscious. There is no ultimate true master or controlling I or self that is self-conscious. Or at least I can't find one.

When I reconsider the boundaries between myself and others, I also find myself reconsidering the boundaries between myself at different times. Since I am finding the division between myself and another person to be less deep than I thought, the division between my past, present, and future selves now seems more significant in comparison.

My present self is related to my past and future selves, but it is not entirely the same. It seems that my past and futures selves are essentially 'other' in many of the same ways as another person is 'other.' Even my instantaneously past and future selves are like this, that is my self from only an unlimitedly small instant into the past or future.

The idea of the self as a definitively separate entity is probably created and perpetuated by evolutionary expedience, rather than being a neutral reflection of an objective reality. This makes sense if the mind is originally a tool to help animals survive, reproduce, and adapt.

Thus in a sense the real size of my I, or subject, is always 1/∞. Nothing can be held onto. I can’t hold anything. (I can’t hold a single thought or experience in one’s mind, so how much less all of my thoughts and experiences, and how much less again a material object.) I am truly only one thing at a time (by definition), that is, whatever I am thinking about or doing or experiencing at any given instant. When an experience / event occurs, it is already past. So it is that true birth and death are simultaneous in each moment. I can remember a past experience, but the remembering itself is in fact a distinct experience in itself. Also, I can only remember one thing at a time (and only again in an equally transient manner). The rest may still be stored somewhere but as such they are only potentially real. The great great majority of the experiences I have had, I will never remember again. I have so many many amazing and beautiful memories and yet I can’t hold any of them. So it is always and instantaneously that the past is dead and the future unborn.

Experience is thus in a way very dreamlike; one drifts from place to place without full awareness, consciousness, or memory. And perhaps one always has a kind of longing that can never be satisfied, for full existence, solidity, permanence, completion or wholeness.

3. Therefore, the reality which my 1/∞ I confronts is unspeakably vast, diverse, complex, and unknowable. This vastness is infinitesimal as well as infinite; all the universe’s unfathomably complex interaction of laws and conditions functioning simultaneously, flawlessly, and without hesitation in even the tiniest object or in around and as me during the most supposedly mundane aspects of my life in a way that is forever beyond my knowledge. So even the most basic things are sublime beyond understanding. There is also the overwhelming chaos-complexity of cause and effect.

And yet although there are an incredible amount of variables and possibilities, it seems that there is only a single outcome, a single time-path. If so, all conditionals (might-have-been's, etc.) exist only in the mind.

Also it is amazing to think of all the myriad experiences throughout time. Just my own experience is actually more vast then I tend to realize as it is of course infinitely more than I am able to hold. It’s unbelievable! Then think of all the myriad experiences of the myriad people throughout time! How incredibly different and strange it is from our own experience, and it’s all equally real!

The assertion that one time is the present and another is the past or future seems to be almost as shaky as saying that my own experience is real and another’s is not. Perhaps all times are the present, when they are the present, for an instantaneous flux-moment and then never again. If so, all experience is simultaneously as real as it is happening right now and as unreal as it has passed aeons ago. This is the present. But it is also the future and the past. From an equally real perspective, we have all been dead for hundreds of years; all of our experiences have passed from memory a long time ago. This is the sad ephemeral beauty of life which makes everything precious and holy without measure.

The limits of all experience are unknowable. For example, seems clear that other animals have real experience as well, perhaps thus dwarfing even the vastness of human experience. (Perhaps it is the same in some way with plants, one-celled animals, etc., perhaps even in some strange unimaginable way non-biological matter and energy.) But human beings don't seem able to really know whether such experience exists, or what it feels like, what it's quality is. (For example, to say that an animal’s life is either better or worse, and thus more or less ‘valuable’ is impossible. In fact all value is immeasurable like this.) It is also true that I cannot even know this about other people, as I can never ‘see out of another’s eyes,’ and that the quality of their experience cannot be communicated. This is specificity. This is an inherent isolation that everyone seems to face.

To illustrate this, have you ever asked yourself why of all the possible lives / situations you have your exact situation. (e.g. why am I not born in another country, at another time, why am I a human being rather than a different kind of animal, even why am I young or old. Again, this is the idea of specificity) This is an interesting question to ask, but I think it cannot be answered. Instead, I think that the fundamental basis of the question is incorrect. It assumes in a sense that only I am I, and another person is not-I, that is in some way less real.

The fact that other people's experiences are as real as my own sinks in bit by bit. With this knowledge comes empathy, which may be the only way out of the isolation-fear-hatred-desire that comes with seeing other people as objects rather than subjects; of seeing them only in relation with yourself. Trying to understand someone as a complex object from the outside is constantly frustrating. But when one has empathy, one already understands something very important about other people: that they are not ‘they’ but ‘me’ and ‘I.’ To see outside oneself in ways like these may be one of the best ways to not be afraid of one’s own individual death.

So, reality is infinitely more vast and complicated then I can ever know or see. It is so complex, so brilliant. The wonder of it is unlimited and infinitely abundant.

4. Similarly my knowledge is also drastically, fundamentally, and inevitably limited. As my own experience is specific, it is irrevocably incomplete and biased. (And also thus in a sense inevitably flawed.) There are an infinite number of points of view and perspectives. Everyone has their own way of looking at the world, and no one of them is definitive. There is simply never enough time in my life to figure it all out. A culture or group mind may continue building knowledge for a long time, but in a sense every individual person has to start from scratch. There are also in a sense an unlimited amount of paradigms or conceptual models for a real or complex system, such as, for example the mind or the group mind of human beings (e.g. studies of psychology, sociology, history, etc.), as both are hopelessly subtle and complex. These models are of course useful, and perhaps necessary for survival, but none of them can ever fully understand the complex reality which they represent, and the understanding and reality shouldn't be confused. As it is, reality has a could-be-anything nature, a formlessness.

So, it is always inadvisable to fully trust either sense-memory or human reason, as both are clearly subject to fallacy. All knowledge thus has an element of subjectivity. Also one’s belief is usually influenced very deeply by fears and desires. Therefore it is important for one to always keep uncertainty. Of course it is necessary to do one’s best for others and oneself with what one does know, but always with a clear understanding of one’s knowledge’s limits; without attachment to one’s beliefs. It is also important for both a person and a society to keep flexibility, as all rules and codes are imperfect and eventually insufficient.

I feel freed by the understanding that perfect knowledge (and thus perfect direction or action) is impossible both for oneself and quite probably for anyone. When I realize that it is not known by others, then I am free from the burden of trying to conform to or follow others, of trying to know the ‘right’ way to do things. (No-one knows, you’re free!) I can do anything at any time. Life has no rules (other than natural laws); without the constriction of habit (e.g. rigid preconceptions in thinking) one may see that there are infinite possibilities. Anything can happen. The limits of what can be are unknown. The future is unknown. However, this is frightening as well as thrilling because many of those possibilities can bring more trouble and I have to take full responsibility for my decisions. We do not live in a safe world. In fact if anything it is exactly the opposite: we are almost guaranteed to suffer and die.

If it is impossible for me to understand completely, then at least I am free from the burden of grasping to try to understand it all and save myself from imperfection. Then I am free to experience the shockingly unlimited openness and freedom of reality without clinging to the constrictive, fear-and-desire-laden bonds of my preconceptions.

When one realizes that it cannot be known by oneself, then one is free from the burden of grasping to try to understand it all (and by so doing to save oneself from imperfection). Then one is free to experience the shockingly unlimited openness and freedom of true reality without the good-and-bad fear-and-desire laden constriction of imposing conceptual knowledge on it.

5. There is no clearly perceivable reason for existence, in three senses of the word 'reason.' That is, one, in the sense of a first cause. Two, in the sense of aim, end, goal, purpose, function. Many people throughout history have offered explanations for both of these, but it is unclear which, if any, is correct. Third is reason in the sense of a logic or ultimate order.

5-3 Logic or order: There is the logic inside a person’s mind, and there is the logic of the universe, the everything. Although there are correlations between the two, they are not the same. A person’s thought is of course an aspect and an expression of the deeper logic, but it does not contain it, nor can it. It can only experience it and be a part of it. One effect of this deeper logic when one perceives it is a deep strangeness. It has aspects like incongruity, asymmetricallity, incompleteness, and a deep semblance of arbitrariness, randomness, or absurdity. A little logic is confronting the great logic, so the great logic appears illogical or irrational, and in a sense it is.

5-2 That there is no known purpose for existence also means that there is nothing specific which one must do. If you value certain things, such as survival or pleasure, then you have embraced a temporary purpose and this will narrow down many of the decisions that you make. And yet, no such values are clearly mandated. Thus one is free from any obligated function. As there is no goal to reach toward, it seems attractive to live in the present. What exactly is good and bad? Perhaps there are no absolute values and all good and bad is relative, transient, and incorporeal.

5-1 Thinking about first cause is interesting because one can always trace back cause and effect backward to a certain theoretical point (for example a big bang or a God) but then in any case one can again ask, what caused that? And what about the laws of the universe themselves which are apparently in a sense before time and thus beyond any cause and effect logic that we know about? One could say that causation is circular (and indeed it has many circular aspects) but then how was the cycle initiated originally? The answer is therefore once again beyond our knowledge.

So, everything that exists comes out of the unknown, and thus in a sense, everything comes out of nowhere. It is inexhaustible mystery, the wonder of it is unlimited. That anything, absolutely anything should be the way it is--specifically--is completely miraculous, even that anything should be at all. It’s amazingness exceeds our capacity for amazement infinitefold.

Thus there is no essential baseline for reality, no ground. In this way, absolutely nothing is ordinary. (The relative difference between them is meaningless in this regard.) There is only what one takes for granted and what one does not. Once something is acquired, it becomes taken for granted and one begins struggling for something else, no longer paying attention to what already is. This perpetuates a constant and unremitting narrow unbalancing ascension. One would gain infinitely more value by just beginning to truly attain or appreciate what one already has than by continuing to chase after something new.

6. So, I try my best not to take anything for granted!

I attempt to observe without preconceptions, without comparisons and without context, as if I was completely new and perceiving everything for the first time in every instant. In fact this is not really too much of a stretch because in a way I am seeing it for the first time. This is in the sense that I am in fact not exactly the same person who saw it before, that my I is 1/∞ in time and space and cannot hold anything. And as I never fully know or understand it, I can always be open and receptive.

I also try to focus on the exact present, the moment, to focus on things occurring exactly as they occur. Again, the past is dead and the future is unborn, instantaneously. It is only in the present that I fully exist, it is only in the present that the world is fully opened up to me and free and fully real.

In order to do this, I try to let go of my conceptual thinking, even if it is only for a second; to let go of my preconceptions such as self and other, an endless store of conceptions of good, bad, gain, loss, fear, desire, struggle, goal, anger, and suffering.

Although many concerns continue to renew themselves, sometimes I will notice needless worries which can be let go of altogether, which has a therapeutic effect. Also, at times there is something refreshing and immediate about focusing on the present, which can shake me out of a sort of sad and distant dream world.

Also, I think that being willing to suspend my preconceptions helps to keep me from getting too closeminded and limited in my views. Concepts should always maintain some connection to their grounding in lived experience, or else they will become empty obstructions.

7. There is nothing that 'the everything' does not include. In one sense, it is perhaps my only definitive self, my actual body and mind. It is never the same for a second (if viewed inside time or change) yet perhaps it never changes at all (if viewed outside time or change). It is simultaneously many and one. The limits of it, or whether it has any, cannot be seen. The logic of it cannot be internalized. All separations are relative. Therefore the one truly real world is the same world I've always been in, and have never left even for a second! Whether I realize it or not, whether I am awake or asleep, it might not change this fact.

8-1: Truth: As it is like this, ultimate truth is always right here. There is nothing that is not perfect truth. (Even falsehood or delusion is truth in the sense that it exists and is immutably a part of life.) It is simply nothing more or less than all the truth of the world that has ever been. This kind of truth is always infinitely abundant.

8-2: Beauty: If beauty and truth are inseparable, then beauty is always infinitely abundant as well. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then perhaps the best way to find beauty is to cleanse one's own eyes by gradually deconstructing one's relative ideas of and limitations to beauty; to find a beauty that is not opposed to ugliness, and to see that everything is composed of the same sublime substance and is part of the same unsurpassed nature.

This beauty is not different from the great strangeness and groundlessness of things, or the great vastness and complexity of things, or the great openness and freedom of things, or every from the very great imperfection of things. So it seems to be a terrible kind of beauty in a way, and perhaps almost always a heartbreaking one by its ephemeral nature.

8-3 Imperfection: The nature of life is also characterized by imperfection. As it is, life is completely, pervasively imperfect. The amount of suffering or pain in life is so unimaginably great, so infinitely beyond my comprehension. Such pain, agony, torture; such unapologetic horror. And yet there seems to be a current of joy that runs through it somewhere, which is perhaps also in a sense not limited. It is both at once; we are infinitely blessed and infinitely cursed simultaneously.

Existence is never how would we would want or imagine it to be in our minds. Why would it be perfect? Why would it be imperfect? Ultimately, I see no answer.

The imperfection and pain of life may be inevitable. No matter how hard life struggles and reaches, as it has in every agonizing moment throughout unbelievable time and experience, and in every way that it can conceive of, it cannot seem to escape this. Indeed, perhaps the pain itself is, or is inextricably linked to, life’s struggle to ascend against the entropic current of its own negation, that is, death.

Often I do not realize this and have it somewhere deep in my mind that after my current troubles are solved that I will have no more pain. And yet, if and once it is solved, there always seems to be another problem. Perhaps this blind hope beneficial in that it keeps people from despair. But on the other hand, perhaps some element of this might be a compulsive reaching of the mind which keeps people from being satisfied and happy in the present.

Therefore, I try to somehow reconcile oneself with this imperfection, to understand that there is both good and bad in every situation. Things could always be worse and they could always be better. Some amount of acceptance seems to make things less painful and lead to less energy being wasted. I find it easier to work from where I am rather than wishing for false conditionals; always having regret and hating that which can’t be changed.

It is of course necessary both personally and socially to always work toward the good in order to survive, but some measure of non-attachment might still be possible in the course of this.

8-4 Finally, life is REAL! It is not the ideas that I have about it in my mind. It is not like a game, with rules and points or winning and losing.

Again, emptiness or nonbeing is only one side of the paradox. Life is both extremely unreal and extremely real. The other side is that everything, just as it is and always has been, is already the ultimate truth and reality.

The stark truth of it all, the full intense immediacy and reality, is completely overwhelming. For example, the intensity of appreciating this can be like the awakening shock that I get when I deeply realize that I am going to die. It is like when I am immersed in some distant kind of thought, like watching a movie or a TV show for example, and then it ends and I suddenly re-realize the truth of my own situation. It is like the waking on some strange mornings from sleep, yet its magnitude is not limited.

You are awake, you are aware, you are present. You suddenly connect with the fact that it’s real! and it’s really happening! Everything comes alive this way.

This can be very frightening, to stare directly into the face of truth. Sometimes I imagine that people spend their lives avoiding this without realizing it, by keeping themselves busy, by avoiding the silence. Yet it is in that silence, that emptiness, that so much truth and beauty is waiting. By avoiding the frightening parts of reality, a person could gather a lack of feeling, like an insulating layer of dust.

It may take effort to challenge one's preconceptions, but it also takes effort to cling to them in the face of life's natural uncertainty, and the rigidity of this clinging can be destructive. It may be painful to confront impermanence, suffering, and the limits of knowledge, reason, and the self. Yet it is arguably more painful and devitalizing to try to ignore these things, since they will remain present even as one tries to turn away from them. Life may be amazingly beautiful. Life may be horrible. It may be both, or neither. But since I am alive, for a finite amount of time, I want to explore life's possibilities for goodness as earnestly as possible, rather than hiding from life and waiting for it to end.

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^[1] I actually wrote the original version of this essay for the sake of my college applications, that is, the ones that wanted an essay on any topic of interest. I was up to my ankles in folders full of philosophical fragments, and the pressure of writing something meaningful to get into college pushed me to try to put them into some sort of readable form. I mapped down a bunch of different subjects I wanted to cover on two pieces of paper taped together. They were all connected to each other by a bunch of crazy arrows. I was always amazed that I was able to make a linear progression out of that mess. From that I wrote an outline, and from the outline I eventually wrote the essay. For weeks I was feverishly squeezing in things which I realized had been left out so far.

Actually, the result was somewhat silly and pretentious, in my opinion. I mean, many of the ideas were good, but the writing style was awfully pompous and laden with jargon from the Zen books that I had been reading for the last few months. So, this term [fall 2003] I sat down and rewrote the thing, basically leaving the ideas as they were, but changing the language. For example, in the original version I use the pronoun "one" in practically every freaking sentence. That's the kind of stuff I changed.

I still wonder what on earth the admissions counselors at the various colleges I applied to thought when they read this.

So, this essay was written towards the middle of my year off, which is a period that I remember fondly. I felt that I had the time to untie a lot of my mental tangles which had wound up while I was in high school. Also, I felt it was time to put my philosophical ideas into practice, to fully experience the amazing beauty of each moment. After I got off work at the book store I would often just wander around the city for hours until it was time to go to bed, trying to appreciate every strange moment as I experienced it. Actually my enjoyment got even more complete after I finished my college applications and therefore no longer had that heavy load on my mind. When I was writing this, I was eagerly looking forward to that time.